


[iasip music] The Jedi Gang Gets Analyzed

by destiny919



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Therapy, BUT YOU HAVE TO GUESS WHAT WITH, Crack, Crack Crossover, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-01
Updated: 2018-02-01
Packaged: 2019-03-12 02:49:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13538091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/destiny919/pseuds/destiny919
Summary: The room is silent save for the gentle ticking of a clock on the wall. Count Dooku is sitting regally on one end of a hunter green sectional sofa, looking supremely bored and uninterested in being there.





	[iasip music] The Jedi Gang Gets Analyzed

**Author's Note:**

> Will I ever stop writing extremely irreverent Star Wars fic? No. Will I ever stop naming them like It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia episodes? Also no. Will some of these characters actually deal with their emotional issues? In this AU, it's actually a possibility!
> 
> Big cookie points to anyone who recognizes the therapist, who is not actually the one from IASIP. Please tell me if you do!!!

 

The room is silent save for the gentle ticking of a clock on the wall. Count Dooku is sitting regally on one end of a hunter green sectional sofa, looking supremely bored and uninterested in being there. 

Anakin and Obi-Wan are sitting squished together on the extreme other end, very obviously presenting a united front. Ahsoka sits on the floor at her protective masters' feet.

On the couch between them, looking nervously from side to side even as he tries to be a calm Jedi, is the bluish Force ghost form of Qui-Gon Jinn. 

Master Yoda, eyes closed, hovers in the air off to the side.

Dinah sits in her own armchair, green to match the sofa, one leg crossed over the other, unbothered by the overwhelmingly tense atmosphere. "So," she says, "good to see everyone here today. In the future we likely won't have you all in an apppointment together, but this won't be the only time we do."

There is only silence. Anakin fidgets and Obi-Wan sighs, but, out of sight, squeezes his hand. 

Dinah turns to the little green asshole. "Yoda? Are you with us?"

He cracks one wizened eye open. "With you, I am. But be meditating, I must." 

"I think everyone would benefit if you kept your eyes open." Dinah raises her eyebrows. "It's important that they feel heard by you." 

Yoda's mouth purses, but he opens both eyes. 

"Good." She steeples her fingers. "Where would everyone like to begin?

"Oh, I don't know," Anakin bursts out, "how about Dooku  _ cutting my arm off?" _

The Count sniffs. "It's hardly my fault you were such a poor swordsman." 

Anakin snarls. "I'll show  _ you _ a poor swordsman, you crusty, pretentious old-!"

"Anakin," Obi-Wan says gently.

Mutinously but instantly, Anakin slumps back, arms crossed over his chest.

Obi-Wan continues, not without some venom of his own towards Dooku, "It may be better to discuss the event which predicated Anakin's  _ maiming."  _ The Jedi (and Sith) present all felt the flare of old, tamped-down rage that the Master felt at his Apprentice's injury.  

"You mean Dooku's Fall to the Dark Side?" Dinah asks. 

Yoda leaned forward slightly, somehow not falling prey to gravity and tipping over all the way. "Very interested in this issue, I am." 

"Yes, me too," Qui-Gon chimes in gravely. "I would very much like to know why you Fell so far, my old Master."

Dooku sticks his nose in the air, but the implied combined condemnation of both his former Master and former Padawan, after whose death he Fell, has affected him nonetheless. His presence in the Force remains an icy gale, but his hands tighten in his lap. 

"Remember," Dinah says, "we're not here to judge or condemn each other."

_ "He cut off my hand and has tried to kill us like 18 times!" _ Anakin snaps. 

"I may argue it was many more times than that, in fact," Obi-Wan adds, mild after Anakin's temper. "We've faced him personally something like 18 times, as Anakin said, but really the war has been hundreds of attempts to kill us."

"Yeah!" He leans down and wraps his arms around Ahsoka's shoulders where she sits in front of him on the floor. "He's even tried to kill sweet little Snips! How can I not 'condemn'  _ that?" _

"Fuck off, Master," Ahsoka says, quite happily. 

"Language," Obi-Wan says.  

"Really, Master," Qui-Gon cuts in firmly, "how  _ could _ try to kill your own  _ adorable _ great-great-grandpadawan?" He beams at Ahsoka, the picture of pride. 

"Qui-Gon," Dooku says, sounding less wrathful and more exhausted than usual, "if you knew how truly irritating she and her Master are, you might not blame me." 

Anakin and Ahsoka, in perfect unison, stick their tongues out at him. 

Obi-Wan sighs. 

"What is it about Anakin and Ahsoka's actions that bothers you, Yan?" Dinah asks him. "And please remember to use 'I' language to describe your feelings." 

"Well," Dooku growls,  _ "I  _ get very annoyed when  _ I _ am constantly thwarted in trying to carry out my Master's-  _ my _ plans-"

Anakin shoves Obi-Wan in the shoulder. "He said it! He said the thing!"

"Yes, Anakin, I heard him." 

Dooku glares at them. "-And when  _ I _ am subjected to insufferable quips and banter in the process!"

Anakin, Obi-Wan, and Ahsoka all do a three-way fist bump. 

"Do your plans hurt other people in this room?" Dinah points out. 

"Tried to  _ kill us-!"  _ Anakin grumbled. 

Obi-Wan covers his eyes with a hand. "Anakin-"

"Took like half my arm-" he keeps muttering. 

"Really, Yan, my death is no excuse for this behavior," Qui-Gon says disapprovingly. 

"Oh?" Dooku turns to look his former Padawan full in the transparent blue face for the first time. "And what about  _ your _ behavior? Dying right after you took in a nine-year-old former slave and then saddling your freshly knighted Padawan with him?"

Reminded of this, Anakin slumps back again, sad instead of angry, an old sadness.

Obiwan squeezes his hand again, secretly. "I appreciate the concern, Count-"

"I believe you mean  _ disdain-" _

"But I assure you Anakin and I have done very well together," he continues. "I would not be half the Jedi I am today had I not trained him, and I will be eternally grateful to my master for his dying wish. I could not be prouder of Anakin, as my student or as my friend and dearest-"

Awed and touched, Anakin whispers, "Master-!"

Obi-Wan has barely smiled at him before Anakin tackles him in a passionate kiss. They fall sideways through Qui-Gon's ghost and come perilously close to Dooku, who looks utterly appalled and disgusted

On the floor, Ahsoka raises her hand, like she's in class at the Temple. 

"Could I have some one-on-one therapy for  _ this _ , please?" she asks hopefully. 

Dinah covers her eyes delicately. Anakin and Obi-Wan are still kissing. "I'll give you _ that _ for free." 


End file.
